After a few years of sporadically dabbling in online dating, I’ve decided it is time to break it all down for all of those Sapphically-inclined women who are thinking it may be time to hop on the Tinder, Plenty of Fish or Ok Cupid wagon.
Well actually, you may have to.
If you are over 27 or so, and think that meeting women during random girl events that happen once in a blue moon is no longer an option – because the music is too loud, it’s too dark to see, you’re tired by midnight (the time when people actually start arriving), and everyone is awkward and playing hard to get – then yes, you may have to.
So let me tell you about the ever-seductive mind fuckery you will encounter, based on my own experiences and the experiences of many many many women who have sought to meet a female cuddle- and Netflix marathon- mate over the internet.
1.The Missing Conversationalist:
She thought you were cute. Or sexy… Or whatever other word she used in one of her initial messages to you. You thought she was the cat’s meow. You started exchanging long messages, filled with details about your hobbies, favorite books, the long-gone pet, real estate in Toronto… You even discovered a mutual love of Absolutely Fabulous and Victorian crime fiction.
After a few of these messages, you’ve finally decided to ask her if she’d be inclined to have a non-alcoholic or few alcoholic beverages with you – but, lo and behold, she has disappeared! Well, more like – she has just stopped responding.
Did you write something strange in your last message? You check. Nope. Did she close her account? You check. No. Maybe she has just been super busy during the last week? Probably not – she seems to be online constantly.
Oy. All those wasted words.
- The Non-Curious “Bi-Curious” Girl.
She matched with you on Tinder. You thought that was awesome because she is hot and, judging by the few sentences she has written in her self-description, she can spell. She can spell!
You message her and she responds. You ask questions and she answers, but never really asks you anything about your life. Hm.
Soon, it occurs to you that she likely only included women in her search to feel edgy or because she likes attention. Maybe she got a better look at your photos and doesn’t think you’re as cute as you were on first glance. You shrug your shoulders and don’t bother writing again.
Except she writes the next day: “Happy Friday!”
You answer, politely inquiring about her day.
She responds, but doesn’t ask you about yours.
You stop writing again.
She writes again in a few days, wishing you a Happy Tuesday and hoping your day was awesome!
After about a week of this you learn how to ignore the world’s least curious person, even though they are hotter than pretty much any individual you’ve ever met in a lesbian bar.
- The Hey.
She will write: “Hey” or “Hey, your beautiful” or “You’re lips are sexy.”
Ignore these. Seriously. Because if you don’t, you will have the world’s most boring conversation, made up of messages that are never longer than 5 words (also…the grammar freak in you will be screaming). If you are curious and pursue this just to see how long it will take her to write more than that, you’ll probably reach message 30, after which she’ll say:
“Seems like we have a lot in common. Wanna meet for a drink?”
I strongly recommend that you don’t go on this date. You’ll die of boredom. Or drink yourself under the table trying to find her interesting.
Expect this person to message you 60 more times in the course of the next month, with “Hey” or “How are you?
4, The New-Beginner
You’ll meet a lot of these.
This person will make the first contact. It will be a long message. She will mention the things you have in common and compliment you on your choice of vocab in the profile.
Since you’ve just received about five “Hey” messages, you will be particularly happy about the intellectual stimulation this message provides and complimented by the interest this person exhibits. You will, obviously, respond with an equally long message, asking her about her life, and crossing your fingers that she will continue to be interesting.
She does….in the first 3 paragraphs of her next message. In the last two, however…well, that’s when she goes on a long tangent about how horrible men are and how she never wants to see one again. A woman is just what she needs right now. Wait, what?
Or she starts immediately sharing details of her experience with abusive relationships, alcoholism and drugs. She’s “done with that because she deserves better than that.”
Slowly back away….
5. The Flake
She will contact you on Tinder. You will chat briefly and then she’ll stop writing.
Then you’ll get a message from her on Plenty of Fish. You’ll have lost interest by now, but she’ll write a longer paragraph or two, so you’ll figure why not give a cute girl a chance for a convo again. You will respond and then again never hear from her.
A few months later, she will find you on Ok Cupid and write again.
If, somehow, you actually end up making drink plans – and that probably means you are hitting a major nadir in your life – she’ll probably cancel them about an hour after the date has started.
She’ll always remain a mystery….
6. The Many-Faced Playmate
On your profile, you will write NO COUPLES. Nevertheless, you are going to get some interesting messages.
There are two types of these:
a) The Trendy, Fetish-Friendly Downtowner: Her photos showcase a beautiful body and stylish clothes; however, long hair or weird camera angles usually obscure her face. She will message you with copious compliments and straightforwardly ask if you’d like to play with her and her boyfriend. While she understands that you are not really into men or couples, she just wanted to check….because you are really something.
If you respond with a “not interested in that,” she’ll be polite and wish you good luck. Overall, her attention will be pleasant and you will feel great about yourself – until you realize that she has contacted every lesbian on the site who looks like she showers once a day (that’s only about 40% of them, by the way).
b) The Suburban Adventurers: She is middle-aged and from suburbia. In one of her photos, she poses in lingerie, usually bending over either towards or facing away from the camera. Really bending. Almost to the floor.
She will message you with something like: “Want to join me and my man for a night of fun?” You think: “Seriously…not even a ‘Hey’ at the beginning?????” before you remember how much you’ve come to hate the word “Hey.”
It’s possible she will attach a photo of her husband, shirtless and with copious chest hair, to this message. When you see this attachment, you will probably want to take a shower right away and shut down your account for a while.
Look, it’s not all bad. Honestly. Sometimes you’ll meet a lovely person and they will become a friend or a lover. You’ll laugh over the fact that you met online and probably decide to lie about how you actually met. Often, you’ll talk about how much you hate online dating and feel sorry for your recently single friend who had her ego slightly bruised by a “Flake” or “The Missing Conversationalist.”
So my one piece of advice is to simply remember that if it’s all going to be funny one day, you might as well treat it as comic right away. It’s frustrating, but try to put a positive spin on it: so many suburban couples want you, and so many women wanted to say “Hey.”